Understanding the Seek for Attention

The Beginning- the back story:

It all started about ten years ago. I had an easy life growing up. I was sheltered for the most part and pretty much got whatever I wanted within reason. I had two parents who loved me and loved each other, even through the screaming, I knew they loved each other. I had two older brothers that would do anything for me. They weren’t my fathers children, but he surely took care of them like they were his own. They were my half brothers but I took them as my brothers. I was proud of them. I was loved by family and friends. I grew up going to a SMALL private school. I think at one point one of my classes had twenty- two students in it and they considered it to be a large class! I also loved attention from others. I always sought out attention from teachers, classmates, friends, family, basically anyone that would give me attention I wanted it. I started on the cheer team at the age of 11. I loved getting up and preforming in front of everyone! I started getting attention from boys at a young age too, and I loved it. I had my first crush in third grade. I can still remember who it was. He put flowers (weeds) in my desk and I was “in love” the summer before he moved away he kissed me on the cheek, and I knew from that point on I loved boys. By sixth grade I had already had many crushes and many “boyfriends” until K, K was the first boy to get me going. He was a “bad boy”, always in trouble, and always sneaking around. He kissed me for the first time in the sixth grade. We would kiss by the lockers almost every day and because it was free of teachers, we were always alone. From that point on, I had boyfriends on and off until I was 18. Each boy going further and further, and me allowing them to because I was getting that desired attention! Summer 2013, well the last day of school (freshman year), I went to a party at my best friends house, and K was there. I was alone with him and let him go all the way. I was nervous, scared, ashamed, but it didn’t last long. I was a changed girl. It was like I have a red scarf around my neck that only guys could see. They knew I was mature. Start of Sophomore year I got involved with S, S was CRAZY. He was literally everything I didn’t like, but because he really liked me and gave me all the attention I wanted, I kept him around until.. things went south. I didn’t want to be with him anymore, but because of things that had taken place in our relationship, he didn’t want to let me go. He threatened to kill himself, he started cutting. He would follow me to houses I would be pet sitting at and look through the windows, he jail broke my phone and knew who I was talking to and what I was doing. He scared me, and before things got bad, he even went against my “No”. I should have called the police, I should have called my parents. I had a few best friends at this time. T, J, and D. T was my true BEST FRIEND! We went everywhere together, we did everything together! I loved her as a sister. I was there the day she found out her step mom was cheating on her dad and I was there to pick her up after she told her dad. I helped her go through it all. She had back surgry and i was there for it all. I help bath her, shave her legs. I would take her to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I was there, I was present. She had finally got her first boyfriend (my other best friend D) and i was so happy for them, except, she thought of him more as a friend and not a boyfriend. No dates, no kissing, no hugging. I was like WHAT?? Thats the best part. All around the same time I ended things with S and she ended things with D. D was my friend. We had a chemistry project that we were assigned to do together and he was my friend. T did not like this. Long story short, I fell for D over target practice out at his property and ended up kissing. We kept things very quiet for a while, to shield the feelings of others. Well everyone found out and it was the talk of the school (SMALL SCHOOL). It didn’t matter to me. I loved him! He was everything I ever wanted. He was tall, so handsome, athletic, had the most incredible eyes, and he loved being outdoors and he took such good care of me. He was kind, but real. He didn’t play games or make me look stupid! He definitely called me out when I was being crazy. I LOVED HIM! I wanted to marry him, and I also scared him away! It took me a long time to get over him, years to be infact. I jumped form guy to guy since him until I was almost nineteen.

He loved me more:

After jumping from guy to guy for attention for the last six years, I finally found who I thought would be my forever man. Well I thought. You ever see a box and it looks so good on the outside, and you know it will be sweet on the inside, but it turns out being completely different then what you wanted? Well that was him. He had some of the qualities I wanted. He liked being outdoors, he was a hard worker, he was handsome, but he wasnt MY guy. We ended up going out and getting to know eachother. He was five years older than me. This is A. A was sweet, he was a good guy, kind with his words, soft spoken. I am the opposite, I was aggressive and loud and wanted someone to put me in my place. He wasnt that. He loved me like there was no tomorrow and he did everything he wanted, but he wasnt mine. I think I fell in love with the idea of him. Someone to take care of me, someone that would take me away from my parents house. Someone that would give me everything I wanted. I grew up in a pretty strict house hold. Well, live by the Word, and love Jesus. Dont have sex and dont move in with a guy until your married. Well I was a rebel and I became very good at lying. I thought that I had to marry him before I could get to know him. Man was I in for a rude awakening!! He was so sweet and really gave me everything I wanted, but I was still so stubborn. I wanted things my way and didn’t want to submitt. He gently tried to correct me. It didnt work. Life got hard, and when it got hard I ran. Well I stuck my heels in and I only did what I wanted.

CRAZY:

I allowed another guy to give me attention and steel my focus. This is M. M was kind, he was funny, a hard worker, but not MY HUSBAND. I think the thrill of being rebellious took hold of me. I never believed in divorce or cheating, but there was this little voice in my head that said if I did all that, I could escape a marriage I really didn’t want to be in anymore. Well I did. At first I tried to hide it, then I just didn’t care anymore. It got MESSY!! But in the end I got my way. I hurt so many people on my way there. I really hurt those who meant the most to me. All for my way. Instead of just being honest in the beginning. I am most sorry, for hurting those I love and letting my family down. I feel bad that I hurt someone who loved me and gave their everything to me, I couldn’t live a lie anymore. My life became crazy, I was making crazy decision left and right and lying to everyone I loved in the process. I was crazy!

More to come… this is just the beginning.